alexmarki

My name is alex (non-capitalised). I am 20. I have had a number of blogs in the past but have never really committed to writing them, mainly due to my extremely poor mental health and the fact that I have a predilection to deleting whatever I've put out when it gets recognised, even though ostensibly this work is made public to be seen in some fashion.

I think, honestly, that I am really very deeply conflicted, but I endeavour to be kind.

There is not much to be said about me as an individual. Most of what you will see here amounts to little more than incoherent schizoposting. It makes sense in the moment, but dissolves after some time passes.

I have recently gotten over a severe repetition compulsion that has made someone I care a lot about miserable. I spend 99% of my time being very calm and empty, and I rarely feel anything else, except momentary fits of rage. Detachment is the general standard. I am not really familiar with the fine details of what I am "suffering" from, but I have some ideas. The experience of genuine mental clarity is rare for me. My alienation is self-imposed and correct.

I have committed my remaining time alive to the attempt to finish a Gesamtkunstwerk that I have been working on since 2014. It is not an honour in any regard, but I do derive some vague satisfaction from completing parts of it which are clearly up to snuff, and in that sense I am comfortable as long as it is not viewed with deep intent.

That is, in effect, the extent of me.

Beginning to question the integrity of my decision to try to blog given that I don't have much going on in my mind at any given point in time beside cycling through information that I already know and coming to no new conclusions and having finally found a shortage of original ways to say it, but also knowing that I will not change

Still around just busy

I keep forgetting to post here (bad sign). I made a very unfortunate mistake in the past few weeks that has caught up to me, which really comes down to a very basic betrayal of community trust in privacy, and I am feeling somewhat guilty about it but everything about the response has been fair and I did not feel slighted in any way.

Something I wrote but did not post elsewhere: "ngl I probably need to reconsider a lot of things about my personal life but I will consider endeavouring to talk here as an outlet for this piece in a more genuine way. it's mainly that, due to the format being unconventional, it's unlikely that this will gain any traction (not to mention that a lot of my design choices will be unpopular). I've certainly been aware of this, but I do want to at least try. maybe this is just coming in the wake of a poor decision on my part (iykyk), but my identity is very intertwined with this piece, and as such it would probably be disingenuous to not talk about my relationship to it + the world in a real way"

Again, I think that speaks to my inability to be genuine, which is very ironic. In writing this blog I am attempting to be sincere but it's like something fails to translate correctly, which in large part is probably that I analyse my feelings into reason and they often dissipate almost instantly due to this.

I may exist beyond what I write
I do not believe that I exist beyond what I make
People will continue to be impressed by my kindness
I will feel nothing for being kind but nothing for rage
& that every success is followed by two steps back
& this is the correct way, likely spent unfinished
999999999 it makes no difference - poor choices are defining and crucial
knowing your inner child remains dead and choked





unwalkable city it dissipates again it's like mist in the fine air that grows hotter on my breath. They did not warrant the treatment, so it is unfair. My action was unfair. Maybe it's not that serious (you cope to disappear but healing is also a kind of death in the loss of control)

they are allowed to hold disdain for traitors & cowards. it is all fine and this moment will pass. My reaction is not with the loss of what I had (or is it when you cannot trust your own thoughts)

I am generally of the belief that my reaction is not with losing access. It's probably just that I do not react well to rejection, but that is my problem to solve and no one else's responsibility. All that can be done is to not make the same error. "Error" is not an adequate description as it assumes that it was unintentional. It was not a mistake, but not calculated with deceit.

Reconsider self or know as always: polite but shallow

In a very pessimistic state of mind. Had a very rich, upsetting conversation this morning. Seems like the sort of thing I'll be thinking about for a long time to come, in any case.

I'm not sure what things are going to look like on this page yet, but it might be that I'll report progress on my novel and other assorted materials, like previous attempts at blogging on my part. My emotional landscape is really so static that I genuinely cannot see anything deeply moving happening any time soon. I would probably add more frills here, but I've already been sitting on this post way too long.